chris_is_my_god (chris_is_my_god) wrote in bitchesna,
chris_is_my_god
chris_is_my_god
bitchesna

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i need some feedback...

i've got a problem that i want to spread around open-minded communities in order to get a response and clear my head. i'm sorry if this offends people that i'm using the internet to bitch, but i don't want to go to somewhere i can bitch, i want real responses from smart people to come back to me.
i'm a brilliant writer but i can't stop thinking about this friend of mine. she's not really a friend anymore, but we used to be best friends and life was wonderful with her. we're both straight, but we were the cutest couple ever and it was the two of us against the world. in the beginning i was the only person she could talk to and i loved the feeling that i mattered to someone. for the longest time she was the only know that understood who i was, and she loved me for me. i hate to pin it on him, because he's a great guy and all, but things changed when she started dating this one guy. in the beginning he was all she talked about and i got annoyed but i got over myself and it wasn't about him anymore. it was the fact that the more time she spent with him the less time there was for us, and this made me nervous, so i talked to some other friends about it, and word got around to her, and i talked to her about it, and we were fine. she had a busy schedule but it wasn't her fault, she hadn't done anything wrong. i helped her boyfriend put together a surprize sweet sixteen because there was a chance she wasn't going to get one, and it was great, but then her parents threw her a real one and i got in trouble that night and couldn't go. i never really forgave myself, and i held on to the drama act for a while, when i realized that i was over reacting and i needed some time away from her, so i told her the next day, and she understood but the next day her boyfriend stopped me and said she was too upset and this was a horrible idea, so i talked to her that day and fixed things back up. she kept saying that we'd have more time over the summer for us, and i was looking forward to having my best friend back again. she had been focusing so hard on school and other people's problems that she wasn't the same person, and i refused to except that maybe she was just changing, growing up, excepting maturity. well her bf never really liked me because i'm not like him and i don't think he ever understood by steph and i got along so well, but you could tell by th way we were together, it was clear to everyone. well i called over the summer to hang out and she was always too busy, and i can't help but blame her boyfriend for ruining part of what we had. well i never even saw her over the summer, and i think that's partly to blame for this book i gave her. near the end of the summer i bought her this fairy notebook i thought she'd like and i added a few poems i had written while thinking about her, and these poems were sad and it's not that i felt that way all the time, but it felt like she was dying in my arms and i thought the least i could do is be honest with how i was feeling, so i did, and i'm sure brian saw it and maybe even told her she's better off without me, and he hates me for sure now because i would get upset over little things she did and she'd go running to him and then he'd go running to me. and i felt like a horrible friend sometimes so i pulled away, and now i want her back and i don't want to give up all hope that she's gone forever. i'm still friends with her twin brother and i asked if she wanted to hang with us this weekend but she's busy again, so every once in a while i'll invite her to something i think she'd like and she says no and i hang up and cry, it's the same routine over and over, and my other best friend says its not worth it and i should leave her alone. but i still love her and i always will. i just looked at her journal and she’s got the pre-menstrual rambling, and it reminded me how much i miss her period because she comes to me crying over the stupidest little things because she gets so emotion and it’s adorable. she needs me and i know it.
i just want some voices, a conversation going to see if i have a chance, to scream in my face for being so stupid, to ask me more questions to get down to the bottom of this, anything. i just want new people to talk to about this, outside opinions, because it's driving me crazy and i'm sick of crying.
please, if you have anything to say at all tell me
i know i'm a loser, but i don't care as long as i have her...
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